


And I'm wondering, why are you still mine?

by dykedelica



Series: Headcanons sent to @dykeleonierichter on tumblr [28]
Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Break Up Talk, M/M, Sad, Sad Ending, based on a tumblr prompt, this hurt to write
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-23
Updated: 2020-11-28
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:55:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22378321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dykedelica/pseuds/dykedelica
Summary: “I’ve tried calling you and texting you for days and you haven’t replied to me once,” Matteo replies, he stands up and walks past David to his kitchen and puts his plate in the sink, David following him and sitting at the table. Matteo leans back on the counter and looks at David.He could feel his thoughts building and he knew that his thoughts would just end up spilling out and he knew he was gonna hurt David in the process but he couldn’t stop the words coming out.or the breakup fic
Relationships: Matteo Florenzi/David (Druck)
Series: Headcanons sent to @dykeleonierichter on tumblr [28]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1349938
Comments: 24
Kudos: 68





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hey everyone!! so this fic was based on two prompts sent to me on tumblr (@dykeleonierichter)
> 
> "i dont know how to exist in a world without you" and "i swear, if you say another word, i’ll leave."
> 
> I hope you like it!! (sorry for any spelling or grammar mistakes!)

Matteo and David had been yelling at each other all day, they could feel the tension in the apartment, it was sitting on their shoulders and was weighing down their clothes, making them sink into the floor. The apartment felt dark, the tension was nestled into the corners, it made everything feel dark. 

Matteo had come home from work and he was so tired that he could barely even lifts his arms to unlock the apartment door. He sets his stuff down and he sighs, the apartment empty. He feels so alone and everything is so loud in the emptiness of the apartment. Matteo looks at the clock and calculates the hours until Hans, Mia, Victoria and Linn will be home, he’ll be alone for the next six hours, he thinks about messaging David but knows he’ll end up snapping. 

Matteo knew he was going to snap one day after living the past year in a routine. He hadn’t seen David for more than a couple hours in the three days, he was so busy with school, work and homework that he just didn’t have time to hang out, he was ignoring Matteo’s calls and Matteo didn’t want to be so clingy so he just stopped calling and stopped texting.

His phone rings after a few hours, Mia had come home early and they were sitting down eating dinner together, he takes it out of his pocket and sighs when he sees David’s name, he doesn’t decline but he just stares at the phone on the table until the call ends. Matteo looks over to Mia who gives him a look.

“What was that look for?” Matteo asks as he shoves a forkful of spaghetti into his mouth. 

“What look?” Mia asks in a fake confused tone. 

“The look on your face that is asking why did you not answer a call from your boyfriend,” Matteo answers as he mocks Mia’s voice and uses air quotes.

“No, I just-,” she cuts herself off and pauses for a moment, “uh, I’m confused ya know, David hasn’t been over in like a week and you don’t talk about him a lot.”

“Yeah, I guess that we just aren’t talking anymore,” Matteo says and shrugs his shoulders. Matteo’s phone rings twice again he presses decline both times, Mia raises her eyebrows at him and he rolls his eyes

“Your boyfriend just called you like three times,” Mia says. They both turn their heads towards the door when someone knocks. 

“Its probably just Victoria, she forgets her keys all the time,” she says as she gets up and walks to the door. Matteo hears her open the door but nobody says anything. David and Mia walk into the living room and Matteo looks at Mia who just shrugs her shoulders.

“So I’m just going to take my dinner to my room,” Mia says, grabs her plate and pats David’s shoulder before disappearing to her room. 

“I tried calling you, three times,” David says angrily. Matteo looks at him and shrugs his shoulders.

“I’ve tried calling you and texting you for days and you haven’t replied to me once,” Matteo replies, he stands up and walks past David to his kitchen and puts his plate in the sink, David following him and sitting at the table. Matteo leans back on the counter and looks at David. 

He could feel his thoughts building and he knew that his thoughts would just end up spilling out and he knew he was gonna hurt David in the process but he couldn’t stop the words coming out. 

“I can’t keep going on like this, every single day, it’s all the same, I go to work, I come home, I sit in front of the fucking TV and I text you, I call you, I wait for you and we aren’t getting anywhere,” Matteo yells and David jumps in his seat, surprised by Matteos sudden loud tone. “I’ve been so miserable for the last year, I don’t want to keep doing this,” Matteo says defeatedly. No tears run down his face, he isn’t upset but looking at David’s face with his red eyes and the tears which drip down his cheeks.

“I swear, if you say another word, I’ll leave,” David says, his breath studders and Matteo can see David’s hands shaking but he doesn’t feel sad while looking at his boyfriend. 

“At first, I felt like I didn’t know how to exist in a world without you but then I was thinking recently that I’d be so fucking happy without you in my life. I’m fucking sick of being miserable all the time,” Matteo says and he watches David get up and walk out, a pang of guilt makes his chest hurt but he signs as the door closes and David walks out of his life. 


	2. You can think that you're in love when you're really just in pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, ya'll!! I'm sorry this was so late, things have been a bit messy in my life but luckily enough, during Matteo Florenzi appreciation week, I've had some time to write a new chapter and a few new one-shots!! Let me know if you want me to turn this into a multi-chapter fic!!
> 
> This chapter includes a prompt send to me on Tumblr (@dykeleonierichter) 
> 
> “You can’t keep pretending it didn’t happen, cause guess what? It did!”
> 
> Sorry for any spelling or grammar mistakes!!

Matteo's days passed by like seconds, the radio silence from David was driving him insane. Every time someone would knock on the flatshare’s door, Matteo’s heart would jump out of his chest, his planned apology running through his head and clawing it way out of his mouth but his heart would sink when Mia would open the door and it wasn’t him. 

“You should give him a little time and then reach out to him,” Victoria had said after she watched Matteo almost jump at his phone the second a text notification came through and saw his visible disappointment when it wasn’t David who texted him, Mia nods her head from on the other side of Matteo. 

“He is probably waiting by the phone too. He loves you, he’ll want to hear from you dude but give it some time,” Mia says, adding onto her girlfriend’s point. Matteo shrugs his shoulders and puts his phone back down the coffee table. 

“He doesn’t want to hear from me, he made that very clear,” Matteo says with a sigh, he falls back into the sofa and huffs, Victoria and Mia share a look over his head. 

“I’ve messaged him, I’ve apologized so many times but he leaves me on read or he doesn’t even read them,” Matteo says after a few seconds of silence, “I just want to know if he’s okay.”

“He has Laura, Leonie and Sara, I’m sure if something happened they’d let you know,” Mia says with a soft smile and she pats his shoulder. 

“Maybe I should go over there? I want to talk to him so bad,” Matteo says quickly and he sits up, looking side to side to look at Victoria and Mia who both shake their heads. 

“I know you want to talk to him, trust me I do because if I was in your situation I would do anything to talk to Victoria...” Mia trails off and Matteo raises his eyebrows at her. 

“But?” he asks and Mia sighs.

“But….You said something really awful to him and I don’t blame him for not wanting to talk to you, Matteo. I know it’s only been a few days but you need to give him time because he’s probably very hurt and you’re the last person he will want to hear from,” Victoria interjects and Mia nods in agreement.

“I know you’re hurt too and you’re allowed to feel hurt but this is one of those times where you need to be selfless, you need to think about how David is feeling, how hurt he probably is,” Mia says and Matteo hums. 

“That’s all I’ve been thinking about, how much I hurt him,” Matteo says quietly, sinking back into the sofa. He wants so badly to run away, to find David and hide them away from the world, to apologize and comfort David. 

“Give him some time, that’s all I’m saying,” Mia says and Matteo nods his head before leaning over and resting his head on Mia’s shoulder, Victoria leans over and kisses his cheek.

And that’s what Matteo does, he gives David some time but the urge to text him becomes so strong sometimes he has to give his phone to one of the girls or Hans to stop himself. It had been about a week and a half when David turns up at the flatshare. Matteo was chilling in this room with the door open, he took out his headphones and heard the door intercom buzz but it didn’t phase him as it did a few days ago, he was convinced David wouldn’t be coming around to see him so he rolled over to face the window. 

He heard the door open and Mia greeted someone which shock, the slow footsteps on the hardwood floor unsettled him. Someone was waiting at his door but Matteo didn’t turn around, he was sure it was Mia or Hans letting him know their friends were over. 

“What?” Matteo asks loudly without rolling over to look at the door. The person shuffled slightly and Matteo was weirded out by how silent the noisy flatshare was being, the only sounds he could hear was his music playing through the discarded headphones and fabric rubbing together. The person at his door didn’t say anything so Matteo rolled over and almost falling out of his bed when he saw David standing awkwardly at his door. 

“Uh hi,” Matteo says after taking a second to compose himself, still shocked to see David at his door. 

“Hi,” David says quietly, “can we talk?” David continues after a few seconds of silence. Matteo nods his head and David shuffles into the room, closing the door behind him. Matteo sits at his desk chair and David sits on the sofa Matteo had pushed into the corner of his room. Silence falls between them and it wasn’t the comfortable silence Matteo is used to when he’s around David, this silence is full of sadness and hurt, sadness and hurt he knows was caused by him. 

“I’m really sorry you know, I didn’t mean what I said,” he says breaking the silence but Matteo knows nothing he says will be able to unbreak David’s heart. 

“I’m sorry too,” David says and Matteo looks at him and furrows his eyebrows, not knowing why David is apologizing. 

“I don’t understand why you’re apologizing I said that my life would have been so much better without you in it, I’m the one that needs to say sorry,” Matteo says, he looks at David as if the boy had just grown two heads. 

“I’m apologizing because we swore we would never be one of those couples that broke up or fought because we didn’t communicate or talk about our feelings,” David says, “and that wasn’t just your fault, that was my fault too.” 

Matteo stays silent remembering when they swore to each other to not be one of those couples, they promised they would always be communicative and talk to each other when they were bothered by something the other person did but they didn’t do that and that lead to the once happy couple sitting across from each other feeling miserable. 

“Yeah you’re right, we didn’t communicate but I shouldn’t have said the things I said and you can’t keep pretending it didn’t happen, cause guess what? It did. I said something awful to you and I was wrong. I don’t know how to exist in a world without you because I love you,” Matteo says, he watches as David wipes away a tear and Matteo’s eyes start to water. 

“I love you too but neither of us is happy anymore, we can’t keep going like this because we are going to keep fighting and someone is going to say something that won’t be forgivable,” David says as he sniffles and wipes away more tears and Matteo does the same. 

“What are you suggesting?” Matteo asks, a hiccup at the back of his throat, but Matteo knows what David is saying. 

“Maybe we should take a break,” David struggles to get out, and now they are both really crying.

“I don’t want to let us go, I don’t want to let this ruin us,” Matteo says and David looks at him so sadly that Matteo’s heart fully breaks. 

“I don’t see how we can fix this, I wish we didn’t have to do this but I just want you to be happy. You even said that you’re miserable, we’ve been doing this for over a year, living in a routine. We need to let go,” David says through his tears. 

“I didn’t mean it,” Matteo pleads, his voice cracking. He watches as David stands thinking the boy is about to leave but instead, David comes in front of Matteo and squats down. Matteo looks at him through tears, David is all blurry but Matteo blinks and the tears fall, David reaches up and wipes away Matteo’s tears.

“You did mean it and that okay. This is for us, I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t love you Matteo and I do, I love you so fucking much baby,” David says before he stands up, he leans down and kisses Matteo’s head before opening the door and leaving his room.

Matteo doesn’t hear anyone speak until the front door closes behind David then Mia pokes her head into his room and she sees him crying silently into this arm, she rushes over and pulls him into a hug and he cries into her shoulder.

And Matteo doesn’t know if he’ll survive without David. 


	3. past of regret

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone!! so just wanted ya'll to know that uploads will be not be scheduled, i'd like to say that i'll post once every week but with the everything going on right now i'm not going to be able to upload once a week.

Matteo knows loneliness, he knows the feeling of being so empty inside that his brain wants to scream at him. The loneliness slots back into his brain like a missing piece after David leaves and Matteo thinks that maybe, just maybe he was made to be alone, loneliness was made for him. Matteo's loneliness will be his lifelong friend, it came way before Jonas and it will be there long after Jonas. 

But nothing prepared him for how lonely his breakup with David would feel. With David, he felt so much love and happiness all the time and it as suddenly ripped from him, Matteo’s whole world has shifted and he doesn’t know what to do, what he should feel.

He knew people got angry after breakups and he was expecting that but he wasn't angry at David, he was angry at himself for not putting up a fight, for not showing David how much he cares about their relationship, for not trying hard enough. 

First, it was ripping down all the drawings from David off of his bedroom wall and leaving them in a pile on his desk, then it was hiding then under his bed but he can still feel David's presence

in the room and before he knows it, he's crawling under his bed and grabs the drawings out by the pile full. He throws them on his bed and glares at them, deciding what to do with them, he doesn't know if he should trash them, pull the pieces of paper apart and sick them back up on his wall. 

He stares at one of the drawings on the top of the pile, it was a charcoal drawing of a valve David had picked up on the day they first kissed, there were charcoal fingerprints smudged all over the page and David signature scrawled messily on the bottom right corner. Matteo's eyes start to water as he remembers the day he found David making the drawing, his hair was ruffled and he had charcoal smudges all over his cheeks and a little streak on his nose. Matteo thought he was too dehydrated to cry again but a tear squeezes out and falls into the page making a tiny section of the drawing liquify. He closes his eyes and shakes away the tears and the memories he tried to bury. 

He takes the drawings and shoves them back under his bed before laying down face first on his bed. He wants nothing more than to sleep but sleeping, well trying to sleep, was the worst part, he would toss and turn, aching for David’s arms around him or the sound of pencil strokes on a piece of paper from across the room when Matteo was too tired to stay away and he would fall asleep to David sketching him, the rhythmic sound of David’s pencil hitting the paper lulling him to sleep but now without the sound, his quiet room felt so hollow. 

Matteo huffs, rolls over and sits up, he was so tired but he knew it was no use trying. He stands up and leaves his room, the drawings under his bed mocking him and berating him for being weak and not fighting for his and David's relationship. He sees Mia and Hanna on the sofa and throws himself down on it in the middle of the two girls, they turn their head and smile softly at him, knowing Matteo is delicate right now. 

"Hey honey," Mia says softly, Hanna grabs his hand and links it with hers and Matteo feels a little better, there is something about the girls that makes Matteo feel calm like he is in a safe space, a safe space where he is protected from all of the bad things doing on. 

“How are you feeling?” Hanna asks and Matteo doesn’t even know how to respond, he doesn’t feel any better then he did a few days ago but he doesn't feel worse so he guesses that's a good thing. He still feels broken, like a part of him was missing, like someone cut off his arm and told him to go about his life as normal, he felt like if someone even mentioned David around him, he would break into millions of pieces and be swept away with the wind. 

“I feel like someone just tore my heart out of my chest,” Matteo says, sinking deeper into the sofa, if he could, he’d let the sofa swallow him alive. 

“Yeah, that’s called heartbreak. If you loved the person a lot and you break up, it can feel like you’re dying,” Mia says with a sad smile because she knows exactly how he feels. 

“Yeah, that’s what my breakup with Jonas felt like,” Hanna adds on, “my heart and chest hurt so much I was genuinely convinced that I was having a heart attack every time I thought about him or I saw him.”

“But you learn to forget the pain, at one point they become so inconsequential and you forget about the pain, the sadness and the emptiness,” Mia adds on and Matteo knows this head numbly. He doesn’t even feel in control of his body at his point, he just feels like a puppet and his master is controlling his body, making him go through day to day life like there wasn’t a part of him missing. 

"That's one of the only good things about heartbreak I guess, you can be so dependant on one person for your happiness and to feel alive but you learn how to live without them, you can learn how to be self-serving," Hanna says softly. 

They fall silent, the late-night news show host fills the room with his annoying drone-like voice. Matteo closes his eyes, the tv making colours flash behind his eyelids and he bites the inside of his cheek, he opens his eyes and looks at Hanna who raises her eyebrows. 

“I don’t want to let him go,” he says quietly, his chest aches and a lump forms in his throat, he swallows around it as hot tears fall from his eyes, he blinks and wipes his face with the back of his hand. 

“Listen,” Mia starts, her voice loud in the quiet room but not loud enough to wake her sleeping girlfriend in the adjoining room and Matteo feels forced to listen to her, “I know you’re upset and heartbroken and you’re so entitled to feel that way, this must hurt so much and I’m really sorry you’re going through this but think about how David feels. I know you were miserable in the relationship but he probably was to and this might be the best thing for him and for you. He loves you so much and he thinks this is the best thing to do for you, he did this for you,” Mia says and even though he doesn’t want to believe it, Matteo knows it’s the truth. 

“This isn’t going to be the end of the world, you’ll move on,” Hanna says so softly that it makes Matteo’s chest ache painfully again, he knows he’s very lucky to have Mia, Victoria and Hanna and he just hopes that David is getting the same comfort 

“Yeah, I’ll move on,” Matteo agrees, but he doesn’t know if that’s true, at least for now. 


	4. isolation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey everyone!!! i hope ya'll are staying inside, washing your hands and sanitising whenever you can! if you aren't I'm very disappointed. I've been self-isolating for the last couple of day because I've been at school and working and both of my parents are immunocompromised so I've trying to stay away from them just in case I'm a carrier of the virus. Please, everyone, keep safe and if you need someone to talk to please don't hesitate to reach out to me on Tumblr!! (@dykeloneierichter) 
> 
> But anyway, I don't really like this chapter but I've had some free time now that school is cancelled to write but I hope you like it!!! (sorry for any spelling or grammar mistakes!)

Matteo thought the hardest part of the breakup would be trying to stop himself from messaging or reaching out to David, he thought it would be impossible not to reach out to him, that seeing their photo’s together would send him down a spiral of sending embarrassing texts blabbering on about how much he misses David and then he would reget the messages and unsend them before David saw them. 

But Matteo comes to realize that the hardest part of this was finding something to occupy his time. When he was with David, they always had something to do whether that was watching a new movie that David had to analyze for homework but then getting bored halfway through so they ended up making out or listening to music while he played Zelda on his switch and David edited his short film. But now, he had nothing to do. 

It wasn’t until they broke that Matteo realized how much of his life revolved around David, the activities they did, the music they listened to, what they cooked and sometimes, even what Matteo wore was influenced by David. He never really had a sense of self until David and what he thought was a sense of self during his relationship with David were just things that Matteo was cool being lead into. That wasn’t a bad thing that Matteo liked the same things that David liked or that he left himself by influenced by his ex but now all those things, reminded him of David and it hurt. 

He tried to find new things, new movies, new music and new games to be interested in but nothing was enjoyable like the things David introduced to him. So he had nothing to do but lay on his bed and stare at the ceiling, he had rejected an offer from Victoria to come shopping with her, saying that he wasn’t feeling well and he just wanted to sleep, she made a joke about him having the coronavirus that he didn’t really hear but still laughed at before shutting his door and faceplanting into his bed. 

He thought about reaching out to Jonas and asking him to hang out but he was so exhausting. He felt so hopeless with everything that was happening in the world, who countries on lockdown, people dying, people getting sick, he didn’t know how to stay positive like everyone was saying to keep your spirits up in this time of stress, he couldn’t. 

Matteo’s phone buzzes in his pocket and he groans as he flips onto his back, grabbing his phone out and his heart sinks as he sees a post notification from David’s account pops up, he goes numb. He doesn’t even know if he should look at the photo, too worried that seeing David or a drawing that David did would make him reach out to the boy or his fingers would twitch out of familiarity. He sighs and unlocks his phone, pressing the notification, the room and his face lighting from the Instagram loading screen. 

He smiles at the photo once it loads, it’s a phone of Laura smiling at the camera with a sleeping David in the background. Matteo losses his smile as he zooms into the photo and sees that David is wearing Matteo’s blue zip-up jumper, he has the hood pulled up and has one of the hoodie strings in his mouth. 

Matteo feels a deep sadness in his heart, knowing that he and David will never be that couple. That couple that will settle down, get married, have a house, they will never be in love with each other again. But under the sadness, there is a shocking tinge of happiness because of the knowledge that even though they will never love each other again, David will have the life Matteo could never give him, he would have a family of his own like maybe this was a good thing. 

He stares at the photo for a few more seconds and he smiles before turning off his phone. His happiness wears off as he remembers a few moments between him and David that he had been fixated on for the past couple of weeks, moments were the annoying parts of David showed, parts of David that Matteo couldn’t love and he knows that he can

’t pick and choose which parts of a person to love but there were parts of Jonas he couldn’t love even though Matteo realizes now he was just fixated on the boy and it wasn’t love in any sense of the word but there were parts of David he couldn’t love either. Things he once found endearing became annoyances like how David didn't know how to cook and he didn't want to learn, it was funny at first and Matteo found it cute to cook for both of them, he honestly didn’t mind taking on the housewife role of cooking and cleaning but as Matteo got a job and came home tired every day but still had to cook dinner for them both, the cuteness wore off and it became annoying and he hated feeling like a caretaker over his boyfriend. 

Matteo was sure there are parts of him David couldn’t love either but he felt so guilty he couldn’t love 100% of David. There were more parts of David he loved then parts he hated and he loved those parts with everything in him but in saying him that, he hated those part of David with everything in him. 

He’s too tired to love anyone besides Hanna, Mia and Victoria. The idea of romantically loving someone weighs him down and he feels like he would be too weak to ever love someone again. 


	5. I think I'd like to try look at you and feel the way I did before

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey everyone!! so in the notes at the end, I've left my analysis of how I see David and Matteo's relationship in this fic. It's kinda vital to this fic if you wanted to understand which standpoint I'm viewing and writing their relationship from!! but anyways, I hope ya'll are staying safe. This chapter includes a prompt someone sent me on Tumblr (@dykeleonierichter) 
> 
> “How do I make you love me again?” and “Which part of me wasn’t enough?”
> 
> I hope you like this chapter!! (sorry for any grammar or spelling mistakes!)

It took a while for Matteo to be able to heal but he found himself thinking less and less about David each day, there were days where he would think about David and couldn’t pick himself up off of the floor, he would sink to that same dark place he was when David first left him. 

It had been a few months and even though Matteo was still healing and he was still processing everything that happened, he was okay. He could talk about David without feeling like someone was stabbing his heart or like he was missing a piece of himself. A big part of him missed David deeply still but an even bigger part of himself recognized that their break up, however sudden and painful, was the best decision for them both. They were both, incredibly unhappy, it shocked Matteo that no matter if you’re in love with someone, you can still be so unhappy in a relationship with that person.

He had thought about reaching out to David to see if the boy wanted to meet up so they could sort through things but he highly doubted David would want to hear from him, let alone see him in person. He felt that maybe he wasn’t completely over David by wanting to reach out and sort out through what happened but Matteo let himself be convinced by Mia that clarity is always craved after a relationship comes to an end, 

“Not all people get clarity when a relationship ends so you should take this chance to learn what happened between you two and why it got so bad,” Mia had said when Matteo brought the idea of messaging David. He knows, in theory, it’s a good idea, a great idea even but every situation he thinks of where he and David meet up and talk, it always ends with someone crying and feeling even more miserable than before. 

But he bites the bullet and types a message for David, never hitting send, the cursor blinking at him, he reads over the message, again and again, combing the message for grammar or spelling mistakes that would make him look like a dumbass.

“Hi, I know we haven’t spoken in a few months but I was just wondering if you wanted to maybe meet up to just talk about some things?” Matteo reads the message aloud, seeing if the tone of the message is the same out loud as it is in text form. He nods his head to himself and his thumb hovers over the send button. 

It takes him a while to work up the courage to send the message but he finally does and basically throws his phone across the room. To distract himself and to forget he sent the message he sets about doing menial tasks. After an hour or so his phone buzzes from where it lies face down on Matteo’s bed. He stares at the phone for a minute or so debating if he should look at the notification or not, worried that David would tell him to go fuck himself but Matteo rolls his eyes at himself for being such a baby and he grabs the phone. 

He feels a smile growing on his face as he reads David’s message.

“I’d love to meet up,” Matteo reads the message in a whisper, his heart pounding in his chest and an uncomfortable feeling in his stomach. They set a time and place for tomorrow for them to meet up and Matteo loses all the excitement he had moments ago and it is promptly replaced with nervousness and sadness from knowing that he has to see David, he has to hear the boy speak and he can’t kiss him or hug him because they no longer belong to each other. Matteo can’t tell David he loves him anymore even though deep down, Matteo knows he still loves David deeply.

The rest of the day passes by in a blur between Matteo thinking about what he needs to talk about and ask tomorrow but also on the fact he will be seeing David and hearing David’s voice for the first time in months. The next thing he knows is he’s getting off the bus at the park the next day. He spots David sitting at the same playground they went to on their second date, where they kissed in public for the first time. 

Matteo stops in his tracks deciding if he should walk over there and let David know he’s still in love with him or walk away and keep everything to himself. Before he makes a decision, David sees him and he stands up, they stare at each other for a few seconds but in Matteo’s mind, it felt like hours. He takes a deep breath and makes his way over to the boy, his footsteps loud in his ears and his heart racing a mile a minute. Once he reaches David they share a smile and side by side on the park bench, neither of them speaks for a few minutes, they observe the busy street instead, Matteo counts all the red and blue cars he sees.

“How many red cars have you counted?” David asks quietly after a few minutes of silence. Matteo smiles to himself, David’s voice sounds like music to his ears. 

“Four red cars and two blue to far,” Matteo replies and he can feel David smiling beside him. 

“Three blue cars,” David corrects as another blue car drives past them, Matteo hums and nods his head. They fall back into silence, Matteo no longer counting the cars but just staring at his lap, not quite sure how to break the silence. 

“I can’t believe it’s been three months,” David says in disbelief. Matteo just nods his head, he wants to tell David how painful those three months have been, how much it hurt him to not have David by his side and how painful healing has been. He knew this was a mistake, shouldn’t have come to see David because just being at his side was enough to make his eyes water. 

“How-,” Matteo breath shutters and he takes a moment to breathe, neither of them looking at each other. “How did we let it get so bad?” Matteo asks and finally looks at David who is staring down at his lap. 

“We were so in love and we were so happy, I just don’t understand what happened? What changed?” Matteo asks, feeling so tired. He takes his eyes off of David who just shrugs as he tries to subtlety wipe away a fallen tear. 

“Are you angry at me for ending us,” David asks after another beat of silence. Matteo just sighs, knowing this question was coming. 

“No,” Matteo says sincerely, “not at all, if anything I’m angry at myself.” And that causes David to look at Matteo with furrowed eyebrows. 

“Why are you angry at yourself?” David asks, confused. There are so many reasons Matteo wants to state why he’s mostly angry at himself but he just doesn’t have the energy. 

“I didn’t communicate with you. We said we didn’t want to be that couple that breaks up because we didn’t communicate better but that's exactly what happened. We didn’t communicate and one of us had to end it but I was too in denial to take the step to end us so you did what you had to. I’d be a complete asshole to be angry at you for that,” Matteo says and he looks at David who looks so sad, Matteo wants to reach out and touch his face. 

“But that’s not all your fault, it’s my fault too. Communication goes both ways Matteo,” David says and they both look at each other for the first time in months. 

“Which part of me wasn’t enough? How can I make you love me again?” Matteo asks, tears starting to spill out of his eyes. David reaches out and places his palm on Matteo's cheek, using his thumb to wipe away the tears that spilled over and Matteo sighs at the familiar touch, feeling like he’s at home.

"It wasn't that you weren't enough. We weren’t happy Matteo, we can’t end up being Dani and Christain from Midsommar right?” David says with a laugh and so does Matteo, some of the pressure on his chest subsides as he laughs in a teary and hiccupy way. 

“Are you trying to woo me with a Midsommar reference?” Matteo asks, feeling slightly happier that the film pop culture obsessed, nerdy boy he is in love with has returned instead of the teary-eyed boy who was sitting in front of him only moments before.

“Maybe,” David whispers with a smile, his eyes shift to the hand he has on Matteo’s cheek and he removes his hand as if the realization that he has a hand on Matteo has burnt him, his smile falling off his face as his hand falls back to his side. 

“Who said I ever stopped loving you?” David asks, turning his head to face the road. And that’s the last thing Matteo wanted to hear because how could he ever let David go now? 

“This was a bad idea,” Matteo says as he stands up, pulling his jacket across his chest and zipping it up to battle the cool spring breeze that has picked up. He knew he shouldn’t have reached out to David and he knows they never should have met up. 

“This is just going to make healing even harder,” Matteo says with a sigh as he turns back to face David who is looking up at him with a sad smile on his face. 

“Maybe this was a bad idea,” David says “but I never stopped being in love with you no matter how hard I tried. It might be a sign,” he continues and Matteo scoffs. 

“You know I don’t believe in the whole universe sending us signs and the fate stuff,” Matteo says with an eye roll, not knowing why he’s suddenly being so hostile towards David. 

“Okay but neither of us is over each other. I still love you and I’m guessing you still love me?” David asks with his eyebrows raised, indicating he wants Matteo to answer the question even though David knows the answer already. 

Matteo would like to say no, to say that he has moved on, that he doesn’t love David anymore but he sighs and nods his head slightly.

“So, why don’t we get back together?” David asks and he stands up, coming over to Matteo. Matteo feels like if he heard David ask that question two months ago, he would have agreed right away and would be so happy but instead, he feels so angry. 

“You ended us!” he yells and he watches David’s shocked expression at Matteo’s anger, “you don’t just get to decide after months of pain and sadness that you suddenly want us to get back together, David, it doesn’t work like that,” he says quieter and slumps back down on the hard metal of the park bench and David looks at him for a moment before sitting down next to him without saying a word. 

“I miss us and I miss you more than I’d like to admit but I don’t think three months is enough time for us to grow and learn. As much as I hate to say it, we were too ingrained with each other, we made each other our identities and we lost ourselves in the process. I love you so much but we need time to learn how to be in a relationship and stay ourselves,” Matteo says, his voice no longer quiet. He wants more than anything to be David's boyfriend again but he knows they need to learn how to be their own people first. 

“I get what you’re saying and I agree, three months isn’t nearly enough time to learn how to be ourselves,” David says with a sudden change of heart and Matteo turns his head to look at David and gives him a nod. 

“Maybe in a few months, we can try things again?” Matteo asks and David turns his head and smiles at him softly. 

“I’d like that,” David says quietly. They stay quiet, looking back at the road for a few minutes before David gets up and walks away back towards his apartment. Matteo smiles at David back knowing that David can’t feel Matteo’s smile. 

“See you in a few months,” Matteo whispers before getting up himself and starting to walk home, feeling lighter than he felt when he first arrived. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I wanted to talk about how I see Matteo and David's relationship in this fic and even slightly how i see it in the show. Loving relationships can become so very toxic very quickly, it's a toxicity that some people don't realize its toxic. Becoming to dependant on one person that that person becomes your whole identity, you can lose your self-identity and become so ingrained in another person. You lose that sense of "this is who I am" and you instead become this version of yourself that your partner wants. I think mental illness has a big impact on that, you become so attached to this one person that you change who you are for their pleasure and when you're no longer with your partner, you're left with a version of yourself you don't recognise and a version of yourself you hate. That how i see Matteo and David's relationship progressing past s4


	6. black lives matter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone!! It's been a very long while since I've updated this fic. I decided to take a break when the pandemic started because I felt like this fic wasn't the most appropriate thing to be posting at that time because people didn't want to read sad things. 
> 
> I also just wanted to say that black lives matter, if any of my readers are black I just want you to know that your life matters so so much. This is such a sad time with all the murders that are happening at the hands of white people and at the hands of the police. There are so many things i want to say, so many things i want to do but just know i stand with you. If any of you need to talk to someone please contact me on Tumblr (@imalmostmeagain). I love each and every one of you. Please read the notes at the bottom for a link to a mass site about things you can do to help right now

“Well, that’s good, right?” Jonas says into the phone after Matteo tells him about his interaction with David and Matteo hums slightly. “I mean after a few months, you two can try things again,” Jonas continues and Matteo doesn’t know how to feel about that. 

“I know I should be happy, I should be so ecstatic that in a few months I could possibly be back in the arms of the man I love or-or the man I loved I should say,” Matteo stutters as he corrects himself, “but I’m not happy, I’m not ecstatic, I’m scared and worried because we were so in love like so so in love and what happens if we get back together and it doesn’t feel the same? What if it’s different?” Matteo asks as he begins to become more panicked. 

“Dude no, no matter of time or space will change how much you love each other but it’s not going to feel the same straight away, it’s going to feel different and that’s a given but it’s okay,” Jonas says quietly and Matteo says. 

“At one point in time, I could have imagined David and I getting married, buying a house and having maybe kids together,” Matteo says quietly as he lies on his back, staring up at the bare and dark ceiling of his bedroom, Jonas’s quiet hum follows a few moments later, crackled and hollow from the phone that rises up and down on Matteo’s stomach. 

“How many kids did you want?” Jonas asks, his voice is muffled across the line. Matteo shrugs his shoulder despite knowing that Jonas cannot hear nor see his gesture of uncertainty. 

“Probably two,” Matteo says quietly into the silence of his room, the boy on the other side of the phone falling silence as Matteo falls into thought about how his life could have turned out. 

“Did you ever tell him that?” Jonas asks suddenly, snapping Matteo out of depressing thoughts of who he could have been. He laughs sadly and shakes his head.

“God no, I never told him that and it’s not like I could tell him that now,” Matteo says with a disappointed laugh, his fingers tapping along with this heartbeat on his chest, “but I did message him earlier today,” he continues after a beat of silence. 

“Oh yeah? What did you talk about?” Jonas asks, his voice light and Matteo smiles at his best friends change in tone.  
“I just asked him how he was feeling since the whole protests in America started and I just wanted to make sure he’s okay and we talked for a couple of hours about how insane this year has been, first COVID and now the protests,” Matteo says with a sigh of tiredness and sadness.

“How is he feeling?” Jonas asks softly and Matteo smiles at the fact that Jonas still cares about David. 

“He’s angry and upset but I don’t know anyone who isn’t feeling that right now. Innocent people of colour are being murdered and it’s just not fair in any way but David is so strong and he’s not letting this stop him from going to protests,” Matteo says. 

“But we also talked about the racism in the gay community,” Matteo continues as Jonas hums along while Matteo talks about the conversation he and David had. 

“Is racism a big problem in the gay community?” Jonas asks, confused.

“Yeah definitely, it’s just a huge issue in our community, not just in the gay community but in the lgbt+ community as a whole. We talked about David’s experiences with racism in the community and his experiences as a whole because the issue of racism is everywhere not just in the lgbt+ community but it’s something we needed to talk about especially with everything going on right now,” Matteo says and Jonas hums. 

“Can you give me an example?” Jonas asks and Matteo thinks for a moment. 

“On gay dating apps, there are lots of people who put things like no men of colour, no black men, no Hispanics, no Asians and are just extremely racist but people excuse that as just a preference,” Matteo says as he shakes his head and rolls his eyes at the fact people do that. 

“But that not a preference, it’s just racist,” Jonas says in a confused tone and Matteo hums in agreement while nodding his head. 

“Yeah exactly, it is racist but some people are just too ignorant to realize that and it’s just so fucking stupid, oh hold up David just messaged me,” Matteo says, cutting himself off as he picks up the vibrating phone from his stomach, he smiles and quickly types up a reply and hits send.

“What did he say?” Jonas asks as Matteo puts the phone to his ear.

“He just wanted to know if I wanted to come to the protest with him and he’ll message you to ask you if you want to go as well,” Matteo says and hums as he hears Jonas’s phone vibrate with a message on the other end of the call. 

“I’m definitely going, what about you?” Matteo asks as the call goes fuzzy on Jonas’s line as he types out a reply. 

“Definitely, I think protesting is the right thing to do right now as long as people are staying safe cause we are still in the middle of a pandemic but I’m just confirming with David now,” Jonas replies, "so are you two on talking terms or is this just kind of a one-off situation where you were just checking up on him?" he asks as finishes typing his reply to David. 

"I think after we broke up there was a very obvious awkwardness between us and I didn't think we could even be friends but it looks like us talking and being friends is going to be a normal situation before we even try to get back the place we were in reference to romance," Matteo says as he smiles, his cheeks burning hot and red as he thinks about being back with David, he ignores the nausea and painfulness of anxiety in his stomach, instead of forcing on the anxiety, he decides to focus on the happy aspects of this situation. 

“I think that’s a really good idea but what are your worries around the friendship you two are heading towards?” Jonas asks and Matteo thinks for a moment, there are so many things he’s worried about some things more than others. 

“As I said before, the thing I’m most worried about is trying to get back to that place we were at before I started to notice the problems between us. We existed in this happy little bubble and the moment I started to notice the problems between us, the bubble popped and it felt like I was left free-falling out of a plane without a parachute and it was terrifying, I never want that feeling again but at the same time if David and I were somehow able to get back to that place, there is a chance that feeling of fall will come back,” Matteo says and takes a deep breath after that rant.

“And I understand that dude, I went through the exact same thing with Hanna but that’s what you risk when you fall in love and then fall out of it. When you get back with the person you love you become so fearful of that feeling of not having that safety bubble that you are so sheltered and you hold back with so many things because you’re afraid,” Jonas says and Matteo groans as he gets more confused and Jonas snorts knowing that Matteo is having conflicting feelings.

“So you don’t think I should be afraid of feeling heartbroken?” Matteo asks after a few seconds of trying to get his thoughts in order after listening to what Jonas said. 

“No of course not, being afraid of heartbreak is a normal human reaction. I’m just saying that you shouldn’t let that fear control you and your actions because it holds you back from things like talking about your emotions and thoughts when something is not going the right way,” Jonas replies and Matteo stays silent as he thinks over everything they just talked about. 

“I guess your right,” Matteo says with a laugh and Jonas huffs out a laugh and rolls his eyes. 

“Anyways, I’ve gotta go help Mia with cleaning,” Matteo says as he hears Mia clanging dishes into the sink, knowing shes purposefully doing it louder so Matteo will hear her. 

“Alright,” he shouts with a laugh when Mia continues to hit a pot on the edge of the sink and he smiles when he hears her laugh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co/


	7. Loving isn't easy when the thrill is gone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone!! so this is the last chapter! I know a lot of you were wanting them to get back together and I that was what was initially planned but I feel like it wouldn't be true to the story I was writing. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this fic! (if you have a prompt or idea for a fic you'd like me to write send it to my on Tumblr @dykedelica)
> 
> Sorry for any spelling or grammar mistakes!!

“This is so boring dude!” Matteo groans as he glares at Hanna who is skillfully removing a Jenga piece out of the ever-growing tower, it wobbles slightly and Matteo rolls his eyes as Hanna holds her breath only to let out a loud sigh of relief when the tower stops wobbling, she places the removed piece back on top with so much concentration that Matteo thinks her brain is about to burst. 

“What do you mean boring? You love Jenga man,” Hanna says, motioning to Matteo that it’s his turn to remove a piece from the tower, he huffs and roughly removes a piece making the tower wobble and collapses making Hanna glare at him with pure malice.

“Oops,” he says sarcastically and snickers when Hanna flings out her hand to playfully slap at him. 

“Can’t we do something else?” Matteo asks, his brain melting out of bored and Hanna shrugs. 

“It’s not like we can go outside or anything since someone decided it was a good idea to go to a party and now we have to wait for our covid tests,” Hanna says loudly to make sure Hans hears her from his room. 

“Yeah, well I’m bored,” Matteo says grumpily, folding his arms over his chest like a child. 

“Well I’m sorry dude but I don’t know what you want me to do about that,” she says, annoyed with how many times Matteo has complained about being bored. 

Matteo’s phone buzzes on the table with an incoming text, he picks it up and puts it back down when he sees who it’s from.

“You’re not talking to him?” Hanna asks confused but purposefully not saying his name to avoid any further heartbreak from the already heartbroken Matteo who looks like something just kicked him in the nuts. 

“You can say his name Hanna and no, I’m not talking to David,” he states and goes to set up another round of Jenga to hopefully avoid any further questioning but much to his chagrin Hanna hums in confusion, trying to prompt him to elaborate. 

“I thought that after the conversation you two had everything was going to be okay?” she asks inquisitively. 

“I mean it was fine, and we were slowly starting to talk again but then things got awkward out of nowhere,” Matteo says with a shrug, “it just didn’t feel the same anymore, we just didn’t have that connection anymore.” 

“How did it feel before?” Hanna asks and Matteo sighs, feeling like nothing he says will ever encapsulate how being with and speaking to David used to feel like. 

“I guess the only way I can describe it would just be that speaking to him after a long stressful day used to feel like coming home like he would take his huge weight off my shoulders but now…” Matteo trails on and Hanna looks at him with a sad smile, knowing how he feels. 

“It feels like talking to him like this adds on more and more weight every time you talk,” Hanna says, finishing his sentence, and Matteo looks at her with gratefulness in his eyes for saying the things he didn’t want to verbalise. 

“Its so difficult, for no reason. I felt like all of this would be so easy, me and him talking again. I thought it would just go back to how it was before,” he says and Hanna nods her head, leaning back in her seat, the Jenga pieces on the table abruptly forgotten about. 

“Breakups are never easy. I feel like we talk about this all time, how much they hurt and how it sucks so much but we always need back up in this place of tiredness and sadness,” she says and Matteo nods in agreement. 

“I’m just so tired of all of this and -” Matteo is cut off abruptly but his phone buzzing again but with a call his time, he’s about to press ignore but Hanna stops him when she sees the caller ID. 

“You should talk to him, he probably feels the same as you,” she says and Matteo just looks at the phone, the buzzing growing louder and louder in his ears. Just as he’s about to press accept the call stops. 

“You should call him back,” Hanna says quietly and Matteo nods his head, picking up the phone and going to his room, leaving Hanna sitting on the sofa in the living room. He softly shuts his bedroom door and pressed the call button under David’s contact, the line rings for a few beats then it connects, Matteo’s voice gets caught in his throat and he chokes on his quiet greeting. 

“Hi,” he says after a few seconds and smiles softly as David greets him back, his voice sending shivers down Matteo’s spine. 

“So Leonie told me you guys are in quarantine?” David questions and Matteo nods his head, knowing David can’t see him. 

“Yeah, just until our test results come back, which should be any day now,” he says, and David hums on the other end of the line. 

“I don’t know why this is so awkward, I don’t understand what happened,” Matteo breathes after a few moments of silence. 

“Yeah, I’m not sure either. I just really wanted things to go back to normal and for us to be in the same place of bliss and love before all of this fucking bullshit happened and I guess I just got discouraged when it didn’t feel the same,” David rambles and Matteo doesn’t know how to feel, he was only just talking about this to Hanna but with David verbalising it, it just hurts more. 

“I don’t really know what you want me to say here,” Matteo says when David stops rambling, “yeah obviously I agree with you and I’m feeling the same but there’s nothing we can do about it.”

The other end of the line is quiet for a minute and Matteo just breathes, waiting for David to say something, anything. 

“I uh -” David says but cuts himself off and the line goes quiet again. 

“Do you need anything?” he asks instead “Ya know since you’ll be in quarantine for however long.” 

Matteo rolls his eyes at himself as his brain just wants to say to David, “no, I just need you.” 

“No, I’m okay thank you,” Matteo says, knowing if he doesn’t end this conversation now, they’ll just settle into another uncomfortable silence but David beats him to it. 

“It was nice talking to you but I have to go, sorry,” David says and Matteo feels like the crack in his chest that was healing is opening again. 

“I’ll see you around Matteo,” and the call is disconnected. 

He feels sick and his phone feels like a pile of bricks in his hand because he knows David isn’t his anymore and he’s not David’s.


End file.
